Father's Day in Cape Town

Thanks for the photos, Jo.

Letter before break up

 Dear Dani

I've been thinking a lot today and feeling so, so sad, and I realise a big part of that sadness is due to remorse and regrets and wishing I'd done some important things differently.

My greatest regret is to have caused you pain. I've loved you for a long time and no one deserves happiness more than you - and it hurts like hell that I've made you hurt so much.

I'm also sorry that I didn't talk to you about my experience of depression early in our relationship. It's something I've always been ashamed of and seen as a sign of weakness and hidden even from my best friends - even Russell.  In my relationship with you, I was terrified you'd judge me and reject me because of it, especially knowing about my dad.  I convinced myself that it happened over 12 years ago, and that it isn't relevant in my life any more.  But, as I've realised from the soul searching I've done this week, it is.  You deserve to have known about it. By keeping it from you, I stopped you from seeing all the aspects of me and I didn't properly let you in.

I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to confront my concerns about having a child much earlier on - and realise that it was such an issue for me.  I should have explored it far more when I initially went to see the counsellor and the fear of you becoming pregnant came up as a possible factor.  I allowed myself to get distracted by other things - when that was the most important issue to explore by far because of its implications for us. 

I'm sorry that in our relationship, I have focused so much on the present and not nearly enough on the future. I've been so busy loving being with you and relishing your company and sharing experiences with you, that I didn't think enough and talk to you enough about where we were headed.  I focused on bringing happiness to you in the moment, but I didn't project the possibility of bringing you greater unhappiness in the future.  I wish I'd been more courageous in asking you of your dreams and hopes and expectations.  It would have brought us to talk more about children and made me confront things.

I realise that you're most likely feeling angry with me - and I understand that. I fear too that you're feeling regret about our whole relationship, that you are feeling that it has distracted you from getting what you really want for the future at such an important time in your life. I understand that too - although it hurts to think about it. You're such an amazing, beautiful, wonderful person and it has been such a blessing to know you that I can't regret for a second having had you in my life.  But I do so, so regret the way things are now and causing you hurt. 

I'm not writing this email to ask you for any reassurance and there is no pressure to reply. I realise our relationship is almost certainly over. I realise that you need lots of time to process things.   I just wanted to let you know how I'm feeling and that I'm thinking of you constantly and hoping you are ok.  If there is anything you need, I'm here.

G

Matt playing hockey

Thanks for the photos, Jo.

1st Anniversary with Dani

 

Progress (2013)

Compass

• Reflection and insights integral part of life
• Start life tracking in excel 
• Track expenses
• Timesheet

Spiritual

• Purpose to be a loving, calm space for consciousness to flow
• Deep spiritual wonder, LOVE, crying, release
• Ability to feel and cry, especially to music and on walks.
• Power of meditation (yawn, stretch, cry) to blits agitation
• Deep stillness on some walks
• Daily mindful walking
• Power of music to make me feel (sad violin)
• Compassion (press exhibit, homeless man, Carl, Chris's guy)
• Equanimity and peace of mind and presence during my Xmas trip
• Deep spiritual wonder and love
• Develop Mantra
• Music ( i-tunes lite, spiritual music, Spotify)

Wisdom Trove

• List of virtues, challenges, vices
• All quotes in excel
• Manage distractions (news, Facebook)
• Timed working
• Mindfulness bell
• Manage distractions (news, Facebook)

More

• Joining Meet Up
• i-phone notes
• Personal commitments (off double dex, porn)
• Spreading dex out over day
• Cooking with slow  cooker
• Two handed tennis forearm
• Camera club presentation
• Fearless injection, by breathing
• Kept to my fundamentals while in enormous pain re Dani pregnancy  (walks, breakfast, timed work, meditation)

Jasan

Thanks for the photos, Jo.

Sam's limo party (13 th birthday)

Thanks for the photos, Jo.

Farewell Geraldine, a wonderful spiritual teacher

Passed away: 27 February 2014

"I would like my life to be a statement of love and compassion--and where it isn't, that's where my work lies."

Celebration of Geraldine's life (March 9)

Letter  (25 November 2013)

Geraldine, you have opened my eyes to indescribable wonder and beauty. Through the consciousness and wisdom that flows through you, I've discovered the power of stillness and prayer and reflection and my experiences of what's within have been so precious and healing that every other experience I've ever had pales in significance. I'll never be the same.  Thank you this priceless gift.  Words aren't enough.

Letter (18 June 2013)

Dear Geraldine  

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your light and your wisdom and your love on Saturday.  Your teachings over the past year have transformed my life already so much.  Saturday for me was a culmination, a turning point, an extraordinary beak through and I'll never be the same again.

First was the revelation that guilt is so low on the ladder - that it veritable sucks up and blocks consciousness.  Second was the revelation of the great healing power of remorse.  Third was the realisation that my life is unfolding according to a divine order, and that I can trust that and surrender to that completely and welcome whatever comes - and that I'll be ok no matter what.  Fourth was your comment, one I've head from you many times before, but for some reason it resonated like a lightning bolt this time: "Pray like mad."  

I haven't prayed since I was a very young child, when I did deeply and regularly, but something happened that scared me and I stopped altogether.  Well, I've started to pray again - pray all the time - and it's opened the gates and I feel like I've come home.  My meditation has given me many glimpses of my divine essence over the past year, and I've wanted to believe so much in the light of my being - that it is there and that's it real, that it's not just wishful thinking.  Experiences I've had over the past few days, through my prayer and meditation, have awakened me to an unshakable certainty.  It's led to a great cleansing and outpouring of pain that has needed to be let free for such a long, long time.  It's led to a deep sense of peace and a deep joy. 

My chat with D the other night was more difficult that I'd even imagined, she was angry and hurt. If I hadn't been with you on Saturday, I would be in a very dark place.  Instead, I've been able to keep my  consciousness flowing, which has helped me to respond with compassion and love - both for her and myself.  And it's been the catalyst to all I describe above.

So, thank you, Geraldine, so, so much.  You are such a light. Consciousness works through you in such profound ways and you've blessed all our lives so, so deeply.

With great love,

Graeme

Key quotes from Geraldine

• Do the work! 
• Be ok with being ordinary. 
• Don't be an approval junkie. 
• Everything has a divine plan. 
• Be the change you want to see. 
• Guilt is the caviar of the ego. 
• Anger is forgetting who you are. 
• The Dalai never goes to rallies. 
• Don't care what people think of you. 
• Show up fully for all experiences. 
• One new habit at a time. Take small steps. 
• Trust is a habit that must be practiced 
• Truth cannot be known, only experienced. 
• Starve your ego by swallowing your pride. 
• Anger is never caused by you. It's in you. 
• Give up constant judgements and evaluation.
• Reacting unconsciously is giving up your power. 
• Meet each person as if for the first time. 
• Spirituality is the ego's favourite outfit.  
• Who are you to know what's best for another? 
• Be yourself and allow others to be themselves. 
• You draw everything into your life for a reason. 
• Be no more for praise and no less for criticism. 
• Worrying is like praying for what you don't want. 
• The quiet moments are not conducive to this work. 
• People change all the time. See them afresh and anew each time you meet. 
• The ego uses past and future to steal the present.
• Be kind and loving.  And expect nothing in return. 
• The ego uses past and future to steal the present. 
• Is what I'm abut to say kind? Necessary? The truth? 
• Chip away at the marble to create your David within. 
• The world is a mirror of your state of consciousness. 
• Be a conscious responder, not an unconscious reactor. 
• Be authentic and real. Stop polishing your self image.
• Really question concepts.  What does this really mean?  
• Each time you starve a compulsion, it loses some strength. 
• Empty your mind of what you think you know.  Drop opinions. 
• Seek understanding before being understood. Ask and listen. 
• Every moment is brand new. In every moment you begin afresh. 
• You didn't choose to come here today. Your divine being did. 
• Nothing that can be born, live and die is who you really are.  
• External events are never as important as the way you react to them. 
• When you judge someone, end it with the words "... just like me." 
• Love what is. Pray "Help me to transmute this and turn it into love."
• Never blame others for how you feel. That's your responsibility. 
• The ego expects.  Essence allows.  Let go of your expectations of others. 
• The best way to teach your kids is to "be it."  Teach by example. 
• Adopt a beginner's mind. Sit down before fact like a little child. 
• We do so much to buy love, forgetting all the time that we are love. 
• In today's society, pride is seen as a virtue. It's not. It's a vice! 
• External events are never as important as the way you react to them.  
• Attachment happens when you mistake something outside for who you are. 
• When I react to someone, what is this person teaching me about myself. 
• The easiest way to avoid falling off your perch is to get down off it.  
• We need a little dose of craziness to break the shackles of the norm.   
• If something affronts, realise there is no self there. Let it go through. 
• Am I showing up for this experience?  Accept it.  Learn from it.  Use it.  
• Everyone is trying to save us from ourselves.  Stop trying to save others. 
• We react most negatively and strongly when we sense the Ego is under attack. 
• Feel remorse but then forgive yourself.  Be determined to do it differently. 
• You won't see the soul in a person if you see through a haze of perceptions. 
• Try not to change people. Their divine being knows exactly who they need to be. 
• Don't comb the mirror.  Don't try to change externals. Do your own inner work.  
• In every good there is bad - and vice versa. Divine being lives beyond duality. 
• Trust everything is for your highest good.  You don't need to know what that is. 
• In relationship, there's only one person there. The other person is your mirror. 
• In a relationship, there is just one of you.  There's no other there. We're one. 
• 7 virtues: Kindness, Humility, Temperance, Chastity, Diligence, Patience, Charity 
• Shake things up. Break repetitive cycles and old routines.  Do something different. 
• If you spoke to you the way your mind does, how long would you stay friends with you? 
• When your ego is on the war path, the first casualties are your compassion and wisdom. 
• The ego is a many headed Medusa of little "i's"  Cut one off and expect others to grow. 
• Respond rather than react. It's not your business what others do. Just how you respond. 
• Pray like mad.  Use prayer and compassion to clean up the ego.  Pray for right mindedness. 
• Stop putting energy into your image.  Stop pretending to be perfect.  Admit your weaknesses. 
• Giving approval puts kids under intense pressure.  Love them, irrespecitive of what they do. 
• We do so much to buy love. Things we do, strive for, say. Yet, we are love - we are what we seek. 
• How aware was I today?  If you can't remember much about your day, you've not been very conscious. 
• People aren't responsible for the way you react. And you aren't responsible for the way they react.  
• Drop all beliefs. Beliefs are illusions. Just constructs of the mind.  The truth is beyond the mind. 
• Every moment has infinite possibilities. Am I accessing them?  Or always choosing the same one over and over? 
• Don't try to change people.  There Divine Beings know exactly where they need to be.  Accept people as they are. 
• Old stuff comes up because it needs to be reinterpreted.  You can change the past by changing your perception of it. 
• May all beings be happy.  May all beings be at peace. May all beings be free of suffering and the causes of suffering. 
• See the potential in this moment. Every moment is brand new.  In this moment, there are infinite possibilities and choices 
• Take full responsibility for the situation you're in.  For who you are and how you show up in the world. For how you respond. 
• Take 100 % responsibility. Make zero excuses. Take ownership of your anger. It's in you.  Take responsibility for your reactions. 
• It's not your business what others do. Just how you respond.  But can learn from it. See what happens when people forget who they are. 
• Give up all self image and concept.  Don't hide your ratbaggedness! Be open about it.  Stop putting energy into your image and pretending to be perfect. 
• The ego demands, the self prefers.  The ego competes, the self co-operates.  The ego fears, the self trusts.  The ego expects and controls, the ego allows. 
• Don't give your opinion. You never know what's best for another.  Let their soul come to its own inner wisdom.   Ask what they think.  Really listen. Help people find their own answers. 
• When you complain about someone, end the sentence with the words "just like me." For example, look at that person acting all mean ... just like me. It stops the feeling of separateness. Reminds us that we have done the same, and now we know how it feels. Do it also if you think positive thoughts about someone.  

Mack at Sirius Cove

Dani and I went for a picnic to Sirius Cove and Mack came along of course.  As usual, he loved the water.

Anzac day paddle (and trying out Honu!)

I went for a wonderful, soul restoring kayak this morning on the harbour.  Keeping up with Dani and co in their lighter, more streamlined outriggers was hard work (well impossible actually), but it was an amazingly clear, crisp, still morning and everyone was very patient with my slow progress across the bay from Clontarf  to Manly and back.  I then got to try out Honu (Dani's outrigger) myself - what a beauty she is and how effortlessly she glides across the water.  Not quite as stable as a kayak though, as I discovered the hard way when Honu (meaning Turtle in Hawaiian) cheekily dumped me.  Oh well, getting wet is what it's all about!

Mike's 75th birthday

Sam turns 13

I can't believe my wonderful niece is now a teenager. It seems like yesterday that I was playing "Spider! Spider" with her as a toddler in the garden.  How gorgeous does she look in these photos!!!  What a heart-breaker she's going to be with her great looks and warm, caring, fun personality.  

Seems like only yesterday....

Sailing on the Harbour

Dani and I went for a lovely sail around the harbour.  The Sydney Harbour always looks its most beautiful from the water.  We had a fun time despite the rather irritating habit of the skipper of yelling angry abuse at other boats for very little reason!