Letter before break up

 Dear Dani

I've been thinking a lot today and feeling so, so sad, and I realise a big part of that sadness is due to remorse and regrets and wishing I'd done some important things differently.

My greatest regret is to have caused you pain. I've loved you for a long time and no one deserves happiness more than you - and it hurts like hell that I've made you hurt so much.

I'm also sorry that I didn't talk to you about my experience of depression early in our relationship. It's something I've always been ashamed of and seen as a sign of weakness and hidden even from my best friends - even Russell.  In my relationship with you, I was terrified you'd judge me and reject me because of it, especially knowing about my dad.  I convinced myself that it happened over 12 years ago, and that it isn't relevant in my life any more.  But, as I've realised from the soul searching I've done this week, it is.  You deserve to have known about it. By keeping it from you, I stopped you from seeing all the aspects of me and I didn't properly let you in.

I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to confront my concerns about having a child much earlier on - and realise that it was such an issue for me.  I should have explored it far more when I initially went to see the counsellor and the fear of you becoming pregnant came up as a possible factor.  I allowed myself to get distracted by other things - when that was the most important issue to explore by far because of its implications for us. 

I'm sorry that in our relationship, I have focused so much on the present and not nearly enough on the future. I've been so busy loving being with you and relishing your company and sharing experiences with you, that I didn't think enough and talk to you enough about where we were headed.  I focused on bringing happiness to you in the moment, but I didn't project the possibility of bringing you greater unhappiness in the future.  I wish I'd been more courageous in asking you of your dreams and hopes and expectations.  It would have brought us to talk more about children and made me confront things.

I realise that you're most likely feeling angry with me - and I understand that. I fear too that you're feeling regret about our whole relationship, that you are feeling that it has distracted you from getting what you really want for the future at such an important time in your life. I understand that too - although it hurts to think about it. You're such an amazing, beautiful, wonderful person and it has been such a blessing to know you that I can't regret for a second having had you in my life.  But I do so, so regret the way things are now and causing you hurt. 

I'm not writing this email to ask you for any reassurance and there is no pressure to reply. I realise our relationship is almost certainly over. I realise that you need lots of time to process things.   I just wanted to let you know how I'm feeling and that I'm thinking of you constantly and hoping you are ok.  If there is anything you need, I'm here.

G