Depression

Dearest Aimee

Oh there is so much beauty and profound truth in what you say !!

Yes, it's so easy to get lost in thinking and talking about, listening to and writing about spirituality and yet not fully practice and live it.  Fixated with the finger, and forgetting to look at (and be) the exquisite moon.   All that spiritual content out there, existing only to point to what is already here, and yet so often obscuring it due to the mind's fixation on it.

Your depression has brought you such profound insights and opened you to such deep love.  How beautiful.

Depression is a regular part of the experience of being this form, and a while ago, I wrote for myself a list of the gifts it brings me (to read in my low periods).  I share it here in case it resonates.

• A practice in accepting, loving, being thankful for what feels unacceptable on the surface - and the deepening of Presence that this brings.  
• An opening to love. Often the flow of love intensifies during these periods, huge outpourings of it, from a heart that breaks open.
• A deepening of compassion for all those who suffer.
• Spiritual insight and revelation and a lifting of illusion that constant peace could never provide on its own.
• A chance to let go of and release old grief and repressed pain.
• Humility and complete surrender to what is and to life's unfolding.
• A realisation that who I Am is vast enough to contain every depression, every sorrow, every joy, every delight.

For me, the most important practice in these times is to be the space for my depression.  To bring deep awareness (and loving acceptance) to the physical sensations of it in the body and in so doing, withdraw attention from any accompanying thoughts.  I've learned NEVER to believe painful thoughts in a low state, as they are almost always distortions.  I've learned never to try to think my way out of a low mood.  

Awareness doesn't get depressed, but it has its role to play in this play of existence and I get a strong sense that it is something that Awareness wants to experience through the human form along with everything else.  After all, how meaningful would a state of constant bliss be without the experience of its opposite ?

Anyway, those are just some thoughts in case any of it resonates :)  

I send you such love and light.

G xxx

Email to Heather

Thanks so much, Heather.  All is well and the experience was actually a priceless one, one I wouldn't change for anything, except the worry it caused my family and friends.

Basically, I went off on an extraordinary spiritual high - due at least in part, I'm pretty sure, to the stimulent medication I've been taking for several years that masks lower energies in my psyche.   I was in such a state of peace and complete fearlessness that I stopped taking the medication altogether.  I continued to feel peaceful and joyful for several days with extraordinary revelations and experiences and love beyond anything I can describe.

But sometimes what goes up, comes down abruptly - especially when the brain suddenly isn't getting the chemical it has become reliant on.

So I plummeted into a sudden world of illusion and in that state, literally stared face to face at my Ultimate Nightmares.  I lived for about 12 hours of intense suffering and intense fear before I realised that it was just a psychotic episode and I was in the North Sydney High Dependency Ward (Maximum Lock Up!)

I stayed there for about a week, meeting beautiful people and coming off the medication I'm been wanting to come off for years.  Now I'm home and feeling fantastic.

Hope all is going well.

Graeme

Email sent after a week in hospital

Hello beautiful family and friends

I want to express my deepest gratitude for all your amazing support during the last two weeks: all your well wishes, phone calls and visits, prayers and positive vibes, words of encouragement. To Matt for ensuring I came home to such an immaculate room. For listening to my strange ramblings before I went in; especially Liza, Matt & Sharmista, Shushann, Nic and Srini!

In a nutshell, for all the love and caring you all showed in so many ways. It was yet another beautiful reminder to me of how absolutely priceless friendship and human connection is.  I appreciate your love and care and support  more than I can express.

I want to express a particularly deep public thank you to Craig.  Oh my goodness, where do I start, Craig?  I can't tell you how extraordinary your support was.  You were literally my rock during this often uncertain and scary experience.  Thank you for looking out for me when I was showing warning signs, for getting in touch with the hospital, for all your immense wisdom, for the perspective you gave me, the advice you brought, for your numerous visits, for bringing all my stuff to me, for the nuts and priceless letters from home, for taking me out on walks.  And for your constant peace and calmness which was like a soothing balm.

But most of all, thank you for keeping everyone in the loop the way you did. For reassuring my mum and sister who felt so helpless and far away.  For hunting down hard to get info from the doctors and sharing that, for all your emails and all the calls you made.  You were a priceless gift to my family especially.  Without you, they would have been absolutely frantic with worry.

As you all know, I'm home now.  Apart from the worry it's caused all of you, I'm grateful for the experience.  It's given me some priceless insights into a condition I've had since I was a child. It's brought home powerfully the importance of looking after myself: living life slowly, getting lots of sleep, nourishing food, exercise, walks, connection.  It's given me a renewed appreciation of the immense freedom I enjoy in my life and all the little things that I realise aren't little.  It's given me the incentive to do some therapy to sort out some fears I woke up to. Allowed me to get off medication I've been wanting to get off for ages. And brought home the realisation I don't need to feel shame or pretend to be "well" if I'm experiencing emotional difficulties from time to time.  That is such a relief, such a freedom.

I look forward to catching up with all of you. And embracing and sharing the adventure of life that I feel so privileged to share with all of you.  

Sending you love

---

What a beautiful letter which I am sure will mean as much to your friends as it does to me.  I hope you will re read it many times when things get tough and remind yourself of the amazing support you have in Australia and you will ask for help immediately if you ever need it in the future.  I know the next few weeks are going to be very difficult as your body continues to recover and your brain adjusts to being without some of the medication it has become so reliant on.  We love you so much and hate that you have had to go through this experience but hope that the long term result will make it all worthwhile.

Remember we are here for you any time of the day or night.  Be gentle on yourself, take any support that is offered and take it one day at a time.


All my love, Mum

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Wow G!  That is truly an amazing letter you wrote.  I think your friends will be blown away by the sincerity and raw emotion of it.

Will chat soon

Jo


xxxxx

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Thanks Graeme - you are very welcome - & you are well loved.

And "in a nutshell" is apposite, coz that's where you were! -  and what a speedy escape - well done - & may it continue, as the L'Oreal girls say, "because you're  worth it".

Cheers mate

Craig

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Blessings dear Graeme

I’m sorry I wont be there tonight to give you a hug. See you next week. I was thinking of buying Craig a big bag of cashews for all his care. I know how much he loves them.


Shushann xx

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My dearest Graeme,

I was so surprised to receive that long explanatory email from you, that you were actually in hospital and needing help.

I did wonder why I had heard nothing from you in two weeks, but I prayed for you nevertheless. I'm still in the dark but the main thing is that you're better now. I'm so grateful to all your friends who've supported you and been there for you in your time of need. Just goes to show what wonderful friends you have, and how you receive in return all you give out. 

Please take extremely good care of yourself in every aspect of your life and know that there's nothing more important than you!

With much love and a myriad of blessings,

Heather xxx

---

Thanks so much, Heather.  All is well and the experience was actually a priceless one, one I wouldn't change for anything, except the worry it caused my family and friends.

Basically, I went off on an extraordinary spiritual high - due at least in part, I'm pretty sure, to the stimulent medication I've been taking for several years that masks lower energies in my psyche.   I was in such a state of peace and complete fearlessness that I stopped taking the medication altogether.  I continued to feel peaceful and joyful for several days with extraordinary revelations and experiences and love beyond anything I can describe.

But sometimes what goes up, comes down abruptly - especially when the brain suddenly isn't getting the chemical it has become reliant on. 

So I plummeted into a sudden world of illusion and in that state, literally stared face to face at my Ultimate Nightmares.  I lived for about 12 hours of intense suffering and intense fear before I realised that it was just a psychotic episode and I was in the North Sydney High Dependency Ward (Maximum Lock Up!)

I stayed there for about a week, meeting beautiful people and coming off the medication I'm been wanting to come off for years.  Now I'm home and feeling fantastic.  

Hope all is going well.  

---

Onset of mania

Hi Heather

That's great that you got that downloaded and working. Simplest thing in the world to add pages.  I think they may already be at the foot of the page.

Funny about the energy. For days I've been hugely fatigued with no energy at all, almost certain that would be the case for goodness knows how long while I come off the strong stimulent I've been on for several years.

Today I've taken very little and should feel even tireder than usual.  But I suddenly feel more alive than I have in my whole life.  I have thoughts flowing through me that to the mind seem extraordinarily profound. None of them repetitive, all from the deepest place.  I've spent the day in reverie allowing the ideas to flow, enjoying them, not pre-occupied as I usually am with capturing, but capturing a lot when it feels peaceful to. It feels like the most extraordinarily creative experience of my whole life.

I don't know where it's going or whether ideas will ever see light of day, and don't even feel to attached to that right now.  Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow?  Whether energy will still be here (the body, to all accounts needs plenty of rest having been neglected for a long time.  My state doesn't feel manic in the slightest (had lots of experience of that in past 3 years.)

Who knows where it's going?  I have a strong sense the mind has no control over any of it. Ever. At any time.  Just enjoy the ride and experience of it and don't try to control it.

Not that the mind has any control over whether it can let go of control?  Am I sounding insane?  Surely insanity can't feel this good?  If so, I choose it!  Not even going to edit this.  How totally unlike me :)

Graeme

The Trip

This poem describes a bad experience I had after taking two hash muffins in a coffee shop in Amsterdam.  

The Trip

Two muffins and the puff of a joint.
Amsterdam coffee shops – aren’t they great!
Sitting by the canal - Adam, Kerry, Ally and me
A waitress arrives for orders
“What does she want?” I chunter and glare
Oh, I feel weird.  Oh, so weird.  Woozy, like a dream
Pressure in my head
 “I feel funny Ally”
Adams tries to distract me with numbers
“Ally!  Oh god, I feel bad Ally, I feel bad”
The horribleness comes in waves.  Horrible  Horrible  Horrible
I wrap my arms tight and fidget my legs
Can’t keep still, we walk around
Ally takes me to the hotel, self consciously trying to distract me
Does she know?  Is this a ploy?
What if I fell or yelled or ran or died, would anyone notice? Is anything real?
Back in the room, I say sex might help
My mouth is dry, her’s too and down there also
Hell’s sex with no wetness  - dry to dry
“I’ll be back in a minute” – she’s gone
This is like a dream; except I can’t wake up
A nightmare.
I can’t wake up!
This is hell.  Hell.  This is hell.  Hell
Ally’s back.  “Oh my God, I’ve seen HELL!
“Graeme!”
“No, no - I’ve SEEN HELL!”
Door.  Corridor. In a rush.
When did I die?  Stuck in this.  Horror.  No escape.  What have I done?
“NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO”
Corridor.  Door.  Eternity.
NO ESCAPE
I’M IN HELL
This can’t be happening
I’M IN HELL
 “Graeme!”
HORROR HORROR HORROR HORROR HORROR
So this is what we flee from all our days - thinly veiled, lurking beneath: Terror
HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

UNENDING HELL
Escape.  The window.
End it.  You can’t end it.  Try!  At least try.
“GRAEME!
Pulling.  Shoving.  She’s hanging on.  So sad.  I must.
GRAEME! GRAEME!  GRAEME! GRAEME!
Looking down.  Not high enough.  I can’t end it
“GRAEME!”
Ally and Kerry hanging on
I’m tired.  So tired.  Weird that I am physically tired in Hell
They corner me in.  Holding on.
I’m nude.  Blanket covering me down there.
There’s two others here now – a boy and girl - they talk, gentle talk
Oh, how exhasuting life’ll  be
knowing that Hell lurks beneath
We walk down the stairs
Not enough space to jump
People around.  A movie on TV.  I know the actor and the movie.
But it’s all surreal.
I’m going insane.  Trapped in my mind.  Why me?
Someone else is spacing out
I sleep
I walk round Amsterdam with Adam
I sleep
I wake
Chuckle self consciously
They chatter as if nothing has happened. Ally, Kerry and Adam
“Oh my god, did I try to jump out the window?” I say
An uneasy pause
Then chattering resumes.

Written 2003

My Wound

This poem was inspired by the helplessness I felt with Investec managing my money badly (causing my wealth to seep away) but their being unconcerned because I was such a small client.  

My wound

It seeps away
like lifeblood
from a wound
my doctor raises his eyes and sighs
he doesn't give a shit
you are an effort his eyes say
i have more important patients than you
the more blood you spill the less you mean to me
why dont you die and go away
my wound hurts so
festering for so long
the blood seeps out,
sometimes just a trickle
other times a gush
but always out it flows
and with it, my life force
my confidence
my wealth
and the pain constricts around my chest
i look away, put my hand over my eyes
cannot watch the spilling wound
just close my eyes and wait
for the end of life
to take me away
or a miracle to happen.

Written 2003

Fear

Niggling fear
like a worm that wriggles, and hisses like a snake.
Shivers in my heart in the deep of the night.
Burgeoning.  Out of control.
Hot, writhing, rods in my bowels.
Want to hide - anywhere dark.
Away from this hell.
From the scrutiny that will come.
From the pressure -
the pressure that is being tightened like a vice around my skull.
Got to be perfect.
But I'm stupid!   Inferior.
They'll find out!  They'll know.
Oh, the pressure.  Time, so little time.
Round and round and round, no escape.
Got to prove I can. 
Squeeze it out.  Try harder.  Come on.
An agonised cry.  What is wrong with me!!!!
They will watch.  I feel so useless.  Helpless.
The vice tightens.
I feel my skull pressure.  I feel the bones crack.
I sense my hand as it tightens the screws.

Written: 1997

My first depression (aged 17)

I experienced my first depression at the age of 17 when I was in Std 9 at school.  

It started with a sudden attack of doubt as to whether I really wanted to study Zoology after I left school. It mushroomed from there and I suddenly found myself consumed with a deeply heavy and contracted feeling that I could't shake off. I was unable to experience pleasure of any kind.  I became very quiet and withdrawn, and mum asked me what was wrong but I said "nothing" as I had no ideas why I felt so awful.  There was no rational reason for me feeling this way.  I had no knowledge of depression and didn't realise that I was in the grips of it.

I forced myself to focus on my preparation for the coming exams (exams always being a source of real anxiety for me) although this was a real struggle.  But I persisted with my studies, day by day, almost obsessively, and slowly the depression lifted as I regained a sense of control and momentum. 

An obsessive compulsive phase I went through (aged 14 - 17)

When I was 14 (in Std 7 at school), I did my school work on a pine desk in my room that had a lift up lid. At some stage, for some reason, I put some bars of  Nordika soap into my desk which spread it's scent to all the books and stationery there.  Then, suddenly one day, I found myself inexplicably disgusted by the smell of the Norkika. I removed the offending soap, but the smell remained.  If I handled an item that was in my desk, I felt it was infected with the Nordika and I'd feel compelled to go wash my hands. This compulsion developed into an absolute  obsession.  I found myself washing my hands multiple times per day with soap, and then later with even stronger detergents. I felt more and more anxious about contamination by the dreaded Nordika soap. It made me feel absolutely helpless.  

I can't remember exactly how the obsession ended. I asked my parents if I could move rooms and this helped a bit but the obsession diminished very slowly. By the time I was 15, in a higher standard at school, the obsession was a little easier to manage but it persisted several years.  I didn't think I would ever get over it. It was a very difficult period of my life that co-incided with being emotionally bullied at school.  I've often wondered if the obsessive compulsive phase I went through was related to that.  In retrospect, it probably was.

My obsession with contamination reared it's head again, but to a lesser extent in Std 9 (aged 17) when I became revolted by the smell of the hamster urine in our outside room and I was wary of handling anything that I felt had been permeated by the smell.

Also, in Std 9, we used a microscope to study uni-celled organisms in pond water. I had a beaker of pond water in my room that I used for the study. I was suddenly revolted by it, leading to more obsessive behaviour.  This was a factor that played a part in precipitating my first bout of depression.

Periods of difficulty and renaissance

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