I experienced my first depression at the age of 17 when I was in Std 9 at school.
It started with a sudden attack of doubt as to whether I really wanted to study Zoology after I left school. It mushroomed from there and I suddenly found myself consumed with a deeply heavy and contracted feeling that I could't shake off. I was unable to experience pleasure of any kind. I became very quiet and withdrawn, and mum asked me what was wrong but I said "nothing" as I had no ideas why I felt so awful. There was no rational reason for me feeling this way. I had no knowledge of depression and didn't realise that I was in the grips of it.
I forced myself to focus on my preparation for the coming exams (exams always being a source of real anxiety for me) although this was a real struggle. But I persisted with my studies, day by day, almost obsessively, and slowly the depression lifted as I regained a sense of control and momentum.
When I was 14 (in Std 7 at school), I did my school work on a pine desk in my room that had a lift up lid. At some stage, for some reason, I put some bars of Nordika soap into my desk which spread it's scent to all the books and stationery there. Then, suddenly one day, I found myself inexplicably disgusted by the smell of the Norkika. I removed the offending soap, but the smell remained. If I handled an item that was in my desk, I felt it was infected with the Nordika and I'd feel compelled to go wash my hands. This compulsion developed into an absolute obsession. I found myself washing my hands multiple times per day with soap, and then later with even stronger detergents. I felt more and more anxious about contamination by the dreaded Nordika soap. It made me feel absolutely helpless.
I can't remember exactly how the obsession ended. I asked my parents if I could move rooms and this helped a bit but the obsession diminished very slowly. By the time I was 15, in a higher standard at school, the obsession was a little easier to manage but it persisted several years. I didn't think I would ever get over it. It was a very difficult period of my life that co-incided with being emotionally bullied at school. I've often wondered if the obsessive compulsive phase I went through was related to that. In retrospect, it probably was.
My obsession with contamination reared it's head again, but to a lesser extent in Std 9 (aged 17) when I became revolted by the smell of the hamster urine in our outside room and I was wary of handling anything that I felt had been permeated by the smell.
Also, in Std 9, we used a microscope to study uni-celled organisms in pond water. I had a beaker of pond water in my room that I used for the study. I was suddenly revolted by it, leading to more obsessive behaviour. This was a factor that played a part in precipitating my first bout of depression.
