The glow of Paradise Island

In 1996, Ally and I flew to Mozambique for a romantic getaway on the legendary Paradise Island. The hotel had been the height of opulence in the 1960s, but decades of civil war had left it in a state of beautiful decay. It was in the early stages of a renovation and, in the meantime, was offering a "rustic experience" at a price we couldn't resist.

The island was every bit the postcard: leaning coconut trees, brilliant azure water, and sand the color of gold. The hotel was equally atmospheric. When we arrived in our room, we found an assortment of candles left on the table by the friendly staff. We embraced the mood immediately, spending our evenings in the soft, flickering amber light, feeling like castaways in a more elegant era.

We spent an idyllic week lazing on the beach and chilling out by candlelight. We didn't even miss the hum of a bar fridge; the primitive, unplugged island life was exactly what we needed.

On our final morning, as we were lugging our bags toward the door to catch our flight, I happened to shoulder-nudge the old, peeled-away plastic switch on the wall.

Voila! The room was suddenly flooded with electric light.

We stood there, blinking like owls in the unexpected light, and burst into laughter. The modern world had been standing right there in the corner the entire time, waiting patiently for a single flick of a finger. We had spent the entire holiday in a 19th-century fantasy purely by accident. We didn't mind—the candles had provided a romance the local power grid never could have matched—but it was a hilarious reminder of how easily we inhabit the "reality" we think we've been given.

The Franschhoek threesome

In the early days of our relationship,  Ally and I escaped to Franschhoek for a romantic weekend. We’d found a cute, secluded cottage on a farm—the kind of place designed for long, slow mornings.

Our first day began exactly as planned. We woke up in a sprawling, comfortable bed and spent the morning enjoying the rare luxury of being able to laze around. We canoodled, cuddled, and did exactly what loving couples do when they have nowhere else to be.

At around 10:30 AM, we finally decided it was time to face the day. Ally stood up and peeled back the heavy duvet to let the bed breathe.

There, nestled in the warm hollow where we had just been lying, was a scorpion.

It was a small, brown fellow—exactly the kind you don't want to find in your linens. As every South African knows, there are two main types of scorpions: the big, black ones with impressive pincers but a relatively mild sting, and the small, brown ones with tiny pincers and a massive, potentially lethal sting.

Our uninvited guest was the latter.

We stood there in horrified silence, realizing we had spent the last several hours sharing our most intimate space with a high-velocity venom delivery system. The "romantic morning" was instantly replaced by a frantic search for a glass jar.

We eventually caught him, escorted him to a far-off corner of the farm, and asked him very politely to never seek a "threesome" with us again. Thankfully, he took the hint, and it remains the only time in our relationship where we’ve had to worry about a third party in the bed—especially one with a tail.

Memorable moments: The Goddess of Eight Bells

When I was young, our family holidays were spent at a farm retreat called Eight Bells, several hours from Cape Town. For me, the entire trip revolved around one thing: the horses.

I wasn't an experienced rider, but I made up for it with sheer, unbridled passion. The routine was always the same—we would walk the horses slowly up the paddock, then turn around for the ride back. That was the highlight, when the horses would pick up the pace into a trot or, if we were lucky, a gentle canter.

I was usually assigned the "mellow" mares, the ones with sweet, nursery-rhyme names like Tinkerbell and Buttercup. They were patient, steady, and—in my memory at least—pure white. I felt like a king on their backs, even if we were mostly just following the trail.

But then there was the farmer’s daughter.

She was eleven to my nine, and she inhabited a completely different world. While I was bobbing along on Buttercup, she was mounted on the stallions—beasts with names like Storm and Fury, as black as mine were white. She didn't walk or trot; she galloped.

I can still see her vividly: charging across the paddock with immense, effortless confidence, her long blonde hair flowing behind her like a banner. She was magnificent. To a nine-year-old boy on a horse named Tinkerbell, she wasn't just a neighbor or a fellow rider; she was a force of nature. I watched her from the back of my slow-moving mare, completely enthralled by the speed, the power, and the sheer "otherness" of a girl who could tame a horse called Fury.

She belonged to the wind and the open field. I belonged to the track and the steady rhythm of hooves. And somewhere between Buttercup and Fury, between walking and flying, a small boy first felt the pull of a bigger, wilder world.

Family stories: The piano hiders

Once upon a time, many years ago, a party was held in a house crowded with teenagers. The game of the night was "Murder in the Dark." The lights were killed, the house was plunged into a predatory blackness, and as the "murderer" began to stalk the corridors, the guests scattered into the shadows, shrieking and scrambling for safety.

When the lights finally flickered back on, two complete strangers discovered they had chosen the exact same refuge: the cramped, dusty space beneath an old piano.

As they untangled themselves and looked across at one another, the impression was instantaneous. She was taken by his cheery smile and an optimism that seemed to vibrate off him; he was utterly smitten by her long, lithe, gorgeous legs—legs that he maintained, for the next sixty years, were the most beautiful in all of England.

Their connection was immediate, and four years later, they were married. What followed was a romance that survived the brutal separations of the Second World War and spanned well over half a century. They were, quite simply, inseparable.

In their later years, when Gran developed dementia and moved into a care facility, Gramps’ devotion only deepened. He visited her every single day, wheeling her out into the sunlight of the garden and holding her hand for hours on end. He was a man possessed by a single, noble mission: he was determined to outlive her, purely so he could ensure she was never alone.

Gran passed away at the age of eighty-two on September 16, 2002.

Following her death, Gramps’ own health began to falter, and he eventually moved into care himself. On September 15 of the following year, he looked at the nurses and made a quiet, certain announcement: "My darling is coming to get me."

He was right. The very next day—September 16, 2003—exactly one year to the day after Gran had passed, Gramps went to join her.

And I’ve often thought about that moment under the piano.  Two people, hiding in the dark, not knowing what was about to find them.

It turns out it wasn’t the murderer. 

It was a lifetime of love.

Memorable moments: Fast and furious

Once upon a time, there was a fine young chap named Antony. He lived a happy life in Pinelands with three zany housemates, but there were times when he felt he was missing that "special something." Then, on a cold, blustery winter evening, he was invited to a Glühwein party. He walked in, ready to get stuck into the warm wine, when suddenly—flash, bam, alakhazam—his whole world shifted.

There, standing before him, was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

If you ask Antony about this moment today, he’ll give you the most explicit details: the outfit she wore, the sparkle in her eyes, the fact that her feet were bare, and—crucially—that she was carrying a plate of sausage rolls. It was, for him, a total thunderbolt of love at first sight.

However, the "heroine" of our story had a slightly different experience. When Jo was later asked to recall her side of the events, she couldn't actually remember Antony being at the party at all.

Undeterred, our hero persisted. He ensured their paths crossed whenever possible until, eventually, Jo noticed him and decided he was actually rather delicious too. The turning point came a few weeks later at a music concert. Jostled by the crowd, Jo turned to him and said, "Antony, please take hold of my hand—I don’t want to lose you."

Being a perceptive chap, Antony realized things were hotted up sufficiently to make his big move. After the concert, he took Jo out for frozen yoghurt. As they sat there, he decided to employ a classic "Valentino" move: the surreptitious hand on the knee.

It was a time-honored approach, but it had one fatal flaw. Antony’s hand was icy cold from holding his frozen yoghurt. When he made contact, Jo got the fright of her life, leaping a meter and a half off her chair in pure shock.

That was the official start of their "fast and furious" relationship: Antony was fast, and Jo was furious. Despite the thermal shock, their love blossomed, and they were married in 1996—proving that even a freezing hand can’t put out a fire that started with a plate of sausage rolls.

Memorable moments: The wrong foot

We were gathered for a proper family meal—Mum, Jo, Antony, Gran, Gramps, and my girlfriend (and future wife), Ally. The atmosphere was warm, the conversation was flowing, and I was feeling particularly romantic.

Deciding to share a private, flirtatious moment with Ally, I quietly slipped my shoe off under the table. I reached out with my foot, searching for hers, and began a gentle, rhythmic game of "footsie." I was quite pleased with myself; it felt like a sophisticated, silent connection in the middle of a busy Sunday lunch.

Suddenly, I noticed a change in the atmosphere above the mahogany.

Gran looked up from her roast potatoes and locked eyes with Gramps. A beautiful, radiant smile spread across her face—a look of absolute, rekindled love that I hadn't seen in years. It was the kind of look usually reserved for silver wedding anniversaries or wartime reunions.

Gramps looked back at her, smiling kindly, but he had a look of profound and utter confusion in his eyes. He clearly had no idea what had prompted this sudden outburst of grandmotherly affection.

In a sudden, startling flash of realization, the physics of the seating chart hit me. I wasn't playing footsie with Ally at all. I had overshot the mark by about twelve inches and was currently massaging Gran’s support stockings with my big toe.

I sat there, frozen, realizing I had accidentally become the most romantic thing to happen to Gran’s feet since 1954. I gently retracted my foot, put my shoe back on, and spent the rest of the meal staring very intently at my gravy, while Gran continued to beam at a bewildered Gramps for the next forty-five minutes.

Memorable moments: Rot and romance

My neighbor Helen was stunning, and I’ll admit, I was eager to impress. During a conversation over the fence, she mentioned she loved coconuts. Naturally, I claimed to be a lifelong devotee of the fruit myself.

A few days later, she appeared with a gift. "I bought you a coconut!" she chirped. We stood outside her flat as she excitedly bored a hole into the shell, popped in a straw, and handed it to me. She stood back, watching with a look of pure, expectant joy, waiting to witness my tropical bliss.

I took the first sip.

The "cream" was... unique. It tasted distinctly "off," with a metallic, slightly fermented tang that grew more aggressive with every swallow. But Helen looked so happy—so proud of her selection—that I couldn't bring myself to break the spell. I channeled every ounce of my inner composure and drained the entire thing, hiding my mounting nausea behind a polite smile.

"Now," she said, her eyes gleaming, "let’s eat the flesh together!"

She grabbed a nearby stone and cracked it open on the pavement. We both leaned in.

The interior was a horror show. Instead of pristine white meat, the inside was a void of jet-black, fuzzy rot. It looked less like food and more like a biological experiment gone wrong.

Helen recoiled, then turned to me with a look of genuine alarm. "Graeme! It’s putrid! Why on earth didn't you say anything!?"

I just stood there, my stomach currently hosting a small colony of ancient mold, realizing that while I’d set out to be a "smooth" neighbor, I’d actually just become the world’s most polite victim of food poisoning.

Memorable moments: The lasagna lie

During university, I was desperate to impress a girl I really liked. I decided the best way to her heart was through her stomach, despite the minor detail that I didn't actually know how to cook.

I briefly considered passing off a flame-grilled chicken from Coimbra as my own, but settled instead on a "foolproof" plan: a Woolworth’s ready-made chicken lasagna. I figured if I kept it in the oven long enough to look authentic, she’d never know.

The evening began perfectly. Soft music was playing, candles were flickering, and I pulled the lasagna out with a flourish, making sure she heard the "hard work" I’d put in all day. We sat down, looked into each other's eyes, and tucked in simultaneously.

Horror of horrors. As my knife hit the center, there was a distinct, metallic crackle. The lasagna wasn't just undercooked; the middle was a solid block of ice. I was officially busted. As I sheepishly retreated to the microwave to perform a high-voltage resurrection on our dinner, I tried to pivot to damage control.

"Champagne?" I offered, grabbing a bottle to lighten the mood.

I popped the cork. In a display of physics that would have baffled a scientist, the cork ricocheted off the wall, banked off the ceiling, and flew back with pinpoint accuracy to strike my date directly in the back of the head.

I went in trying to be a romantic lead; I left as a man who had nearly frozen his date’s digestive system and then physically assaulted her with a grape-based projectile.

Memorable moments: The celestial body

Ally and I were married in the lush, sun-dappled gardens of a Cape Town hotel. It was a perfect day, captured for posterity by my wonderful step-dad, Mike. Mike isn't a professional videographer, but we knew his footage would be raw, intimate, and deeply personal.

We just didn’t realize it would also be a character study of a complete stranger.

As we watched the video back, we noticed a recurring theme. The camera would start on us—the happy couple, exchanging vows and radiant with love—and then, as if caught in an irresistible magnetic field, the lens would slowly, inexorably drift toward the hotel pool.

There, sprawled on a deck chair in the background, was a very, very large man in a very, small bathing suit.

He didn't just appear once. He was the unintended protagonist of our wedding. Every time the ceremony reached a peak of emotional intensity, the camera would pan away from my tearful "I do" to find him adjusting his sunglasses or contemplating a club sandwich. He had a gravitational pull so strong that even Mike’s best intentions couldn't escape his orbit.

I went into that day thinking I was the center of Ally’s universe; I left realizing we were both just minor satellites orbiting a man in a Speedo by the deep end.

Memorable moments: The Kleinmond interruption

I met my future wife to be, Ally, in the tiny village of Kleinmond, two hours outside of Cape Town. We were camped on opposite sides of a rusty old fence, but by the final night, the "spark" between us was undeniable—aided, in no small part, by the generous flow of alcohol around the communal braai.

Ally was playful. She spontaneously bit my earlobe, and when I warned her of the "consequences," she promptly did it again. I moved in for the clinch.

Now, I consider myself a very capable kisser. I was fully prepared for Ally to swoon, to be consumed by the moment, and to forget the rest of the world existed. For a few seconds, it seemed to be working perfectly.

Then, without warning, she detached herself from my embrace. She didn't look at me. Instead, she leaned toward her friend sitting a few feet away.

"Colleen," she announced firmly, "I must butt in and disagree with what you’ve been saying. I think that..."

I stood there, mid-clinch, abandoned for a theological or political debate I hadn't even realized was happening. My confidence didn't just take a hit; it did a backflip into the campfire.

Ally eventually blamed the alcohol, and I eventually forgave the rebuttal. We went on to spend 17 wonderful years together, but I made sure to check for nearby debates before every kiss from then on.