Diary 2013

 

Date	Doing	Well	Spirit	Moment	Spirit notes	Feeling	Feeling
14-Jul	Tennis with Brendan, long walk to Balls Head, planet DVD.					melancholy	Feeling sad on walk re relationships and anxious & obsessive when reflect on sex.
15-Jul	Doctor appointment (no athritus!), cook chicken mince, DVD store, House of Cards.					melancholy	Feeling very sad re relationships - struggling & crying a lot
16-Jul	Reflection on 2.5 hours. Eckhart at Jilly's. Walk.					strong	Amazing day. Feel strong all day long. Love for Jilly
17-Jul	Wildlife photo exhibit, walk. House of Cards.					irritated	Great in morning, but overstimulated mind. Paid price at exbibit. Very irritable with mind, meditated lots of pain out to feel ok again.
18-Jul	Walk to Dr Cosgrove, sleep, walk. House of Cards.						Mind very sensitive. Suffer at end of walk, at 5 pm. Meditated and spiritual release & ok again. Decided to wean off dex.
19-Jul	Worked at Neri's, walk, talked to Jo, beautiful sunset, Planets (moon). House of Cards. Meditate 90 mins. 5 pills.						Agitated at Neri's and by 6 pm. Much, much better later though.
20-Jul	Geraldine group. Walk to Berry Island. Good meditations (90 mins.) Planets (sun) House of Cards. Dexter.
21-Jul	Tennis with Brendan. Walk to Berry Island - photos. Exhibit photos on blog.						Quite depressed at 11 pm, obliterated by meditation.
22-Jul	Reflection (clean up insights & dairy) 2.5 hrs, walk to Balls Head, Buddhist meditation.	7					Pain during reflection and after walk, but meditation helped. Some deep crying.
23-Jul	Walk to Waverton Park. Eckhart at Jilly's.	8				strong	A different person - almost no agitation (due to Zyprexa?).
24-Jul	Walk to Waverton Park.	8					Bit agitated after porn. Some spiritual crying (essence in most is lost.)
25-Jul	Walk to Waverton Park. Running. Music on YouTube till late.	6					Good earlier. Felt low and unmotivated at 3.30 pm. Agitated at 5.30 pm. Frustrated.
26-Jul	Tennis. Shops to get dex. Looked at blog. Packed.	8				agitation	Tennis (not play well.) Felt low and agitated. Very little emotion today.
27-Jul	Drive to Newcastle for weekend away. Backbutt Nature Reserve photography with George and Paul. Dinner at pub. Watch The Eagle.	7
28-Jul	Newcastle beach baths to photo. Lunch. Drive home. Jilly to look at internet connection. Watch Arbitrage	7					Sad re Dani again.
29-Jul	Walk to Waverton - bit better, especially later on when focus on let go. Buddhist group. Blogged Blackbutts photos.	7					Fixation on sex. Felt judged by guy in my group.
30-Jul	Photos. Walk to Waverton. Speak to mum. Blogged Newcastle photos of baths. Jilly's. Shared with Gary. Watch some Cloud Atlas. $3000 tax refund.	9				motivated	Excited re AOL. Almost no obsession today. Only happy crying today. Still relaxed at 10.45 pm
31-Jul	Walk to Waverton Park. To Sue where I make stir fry also for Guy.	8
1-Aug	Fetch Mack and walk. Family photos on blog. Cloud Atlas. Walk to Waverton.	8
2-Aug	8 pills. Tennis. Camera club (video) Help Sue download Photoshop. Cloud Atlas.	8					Great earlier. Bit agitated at camera club.
3-Aug	The Oaks with Neri, Brendan, George. Geraldine group. Walk block. Watch Side Effects.	8				strong	No agitation today! Bit frustrated after pub, blitzed by amazing meditation with good tears.
4-Aug	Tennis doubles (3). Sleep 1 hr. Watch Side Effects. Spoke to mum. Finish Side Effects. Walk Waverton Park	7					Anxious in tennis. Quite agitated after, reliant on meditation.
5-Aug	Walk to Waverton Park - great. Buddhism group.	6					Dex craving. Lowish energy, bit down, unhopeful. Painful later, cried on walk. No Intimacy Group.
6-Aug	Walk to Waverton Park . Amazing in sun. Finish Flight. Eckhart at Jilly's.	6				agitation	Uncomfortable at 12 pm. Agitated by 5 pm. Crying after Dani's Hawaii post and watching Flight.
7-Aug	Clear up. Pay expenses. Work at Neri in pm.	7					Strong most of day. Until porn at 8 pm. Caning. Feel horrible and agitated now. Spoiling my spirituality. Take porn in hand.
8-Aug	Help Jilly with phone. Picked up Mack. Watched Mad Men.	7				emotional	Feel emotional, some sad but good crying. Sex obsession still with me.
9-Aug	Help Jilly with phone. Spoke to mum. Spoke to Roger. Walk to Waverton Park. Organised music. Spotify. Light i-tunes.	6.5					Spiritual cry on walk: Surrender. I am abundance. Strong agitation late.
10-Aug	Hike with first Meet Up group from Milson's Point to home. Blogged photos. Listened music. Mad Men.	7					Trying to impress girls. Sex obsession strong at end. Agitated when home. Meditation helped. Couldn't sleep.
11-Aug	Tennis with Brendan. Walk Waverton Park. Mad Men. Timing meditation and scoring walking.	9					Feel good re AOL. Tennis ok, except at start. Very little agitation. Maybe because of Meet Up?
12-Aug	Helped Jilly with phone. Lovely chat and expressed my gratitude. Great humour. Created scoring on this spreadsheet.	9				strong	Happy I'm feeling so much better. Feeling so, so good.
13-Aug	Antarctica and Ansel Adams exhibition. Eckhart at Jilly's. Great laughter.	8				funny	Very little agitation at all. Good social. Great to make people laugh and laugh.
14-Aug	Walked Waverton Park. Meet up in Rozeville for 7 km Meet Up walk & pub. Awesome time, lots of humour and good talks.	10				elated	So excited re meet up. It's 10.20 and there's been no agitation today, not even now.
15-Aug	Took Helen to hospital. Walked to Waverton Park. Western TV series. Walked around block.	6				agitation	Sad in meditation. Obsessions. Agitation. Anxious with Helen.
16-Aug	Tennis coaching (1 hr)	8					Very good. Only slight agitation (8 pm.) Bit anxious re changing Mack times with Liza. Then saw Dani's Facebook. Pain: 7
17-Aug	Tennis with Brendan. Great ralleys!! Geraldine group - spoke about jealousy. Walked to Secret Garden from Jilly. Meditated at home and listened to music. Cleaned house for Sue.	4				depressed	Fine in morning. By 3 pm, depression set in re Dani. Pain 8. Meditated and cried, still feeling vulnerable and foggy. Getting a cold. Terrible trying to sleep. 2.5 Xanax
18-Aug	Great hike at Bobbin Head. Met Elizabeth. Bald guy. Help Jilly buy credit.	6.5				depressed	Pretty good during day. Humerous, funny stories to Elizabeth & co. Depression started in train on way home - quite strong by 7 pm. Strong need to impress girls - a drive.
19-Aug	Walk Mack to Liza. Bought, meditated and listened to spiritual music. Buddhist eve class. Alex home.	2				depressed	Fine in am. Reflect on Dani. Severe depression by 12.45 pm. Turned into deep, deep peace through music, meditation, prayer. Tough again soon after though.
20-Aug	Walked to Jilly with Mack. Helped with phone. Eckhart group. Got phone working eventually.	8				spiritual high	Pain by 10.30 am. Lots of stillness and music. Revelations and prayer out loud lead to very, very deep crying and healing. Now 11 pm and I feel deep peace. Eckhart experience was sublime.
21-Aug	Walked Mack to Liza. Rozelle meet up walk and pub food.	6				spiritual high	Deep, deep cry to spiritual music. Bit agitated afternoon, helped by meditation. Peaceful on drive. Ok on hike, but need to impress. Bit agitated at pub. Personality shining (humour), feel frustrated re sex. Difficult to let go! Irritated at home.
22-Aug	2 pm. Made Helen laugh with tantra stories. Networking event re e-book publishing with Meet Up.	8				spiritual high	It's 4.15 pm and I'm amazing. Deepest spiritual experience of my life. Got agitated at event - need to impress John, the coach.
23-Aug	Sue to do printer. Try to masturbate - but cannot.	6					Bit agitated after Sue, quickly releases. Anxious re erection - only get through porn.
24-Aug	Hike at Botany Bay with Meet Up. Tantric night.	6					Anxious at tantra but ok. Courage for going. Pretty resilient to do both things. Jealousy thing seems over.
25-Aug	Class on anxiety at Buddhist meditation group.	7				grateful	Really good day. Agitation later in pm. Sharing in the group was great. More positive re Dani - so fortunate not pregnant!!!! It would have killed me. So glad not more sex!
26-Aug	Walked to Dr Cosgrove. Fun with Sue and Alex making them laugh. Buddhist meditation group.	6				emotional	Emotional most of day, after reflection. Agitation at 4 pm. Deep, deep crying to sad music. Agitated later, but manageable.
27-Aug	Sit at park in sun - great. Meet Helen. Had hair cut. Jilly where I was funny.	6.5					Fine in morning. Great sit as park where met Helen. Reread jealousy, felt agitated at 2 pm. Feeling horny again. Tough afternoon and evening with agitation.
28-Aug	To Neri to work. Walk at Rozelle.	6.5					Agitation on walk. Feel pressure to impress pretty German girl. A slave to it.
29-Aug	Tennis with Brendan. Walked with Helen. Watched some Iron Man.	6.5				agitation	Good until 4 pm. Agitation. Deep, deep crying to sad music. "Let go of Graeme." Great anger after. "Go away, get out."
30-Aug	Took book back to Dani with letter. Tennis lesson. Finished Ironman.	4				agitation	Yukky. Agitation early. Pretty intense and unpleasant. A lot of irritation at tennis. Get rid of the dex - this is CRAP!!! Not present while driving.
31-Aug	Geraldine group. Watched Elysium at cinema.	6				agitation	Agitation after 4 strong. Much less thought about sex. Cried to music. Agitation bad after movie - but kept spiritual. Walk out of corridor into light.
1-Sep	Cronulla to Manly hike with Meet Up. Met Robert & Mai & Frank. Dinner with Sue and Alex.	7					Good day. Strong will to impress though with people, looking out for pretty girls.
2-Sep	Intimacy Group out in Botany Bay. Saw Irene motorhome. Not totally present at end.	8				strong	5.5 hours non stop. Amazingly good at 5 pm still. Pretty good at 11 pm. Felt love and connected at Intimacy Group.
3-Sep	Email to Liza re schedule. Nic group (judgements as projections). Talk to Sue.	6.5				melancholy	Early agitation (11 am.) Lots of crying. Deep sadness. Dani not respond.
4-Sep	To beach with Helen. Walk Mack to Liza. Boardwalk Empire.	7				alive	Excited re Helen. Felt stronger, but agitated by 4 pm.
5-Sep	Collected Mack and walked to Waverton Park.	7.5					Very good and productive until 5 pm, then agitation. But good day.
6-Sep	Tennis with Brendan. Paddle skiing at Dee Why. Tennis lesson. Dinner with Mai.	8				alive	Great day. Paddle skiing was exhilerating. Tennis came right (hitting from side.)
7-Sep	Hike to Hawkesbury with Meet Up. Dinner at pub. Get tipsy. Train back. Carry pack for girl. Entertain and impress everyone.	8					Wonderful day. Very good, but strong need to impress pretty Iranian girls.
8-Sep	Help with macro. Visit Jilly. Speak to Nicola and mum. Visit Mary Anne in Manly. Meet Up in advance - Mungo!	10				elated	Wonderful day. No agitation, at 11.30 still feeling amazing. Only 50 mins meditation. Beautiful cry to music.
9-Sep	Read at park. Dinner at Thai place.	8					Good day. Agitation at 5 pm but very manageable. Some crying to music. Spoke to Jo - unhappy re Sam.
10-Sep	Walk to Liza. To shops to try to get fan. To Nic group to discuss karma and re-incarnation. Boardwalk Empire.	6				elevated	Bit of anxiety and deep pain.
11-Sep	Pompeii at Orpheum (cinema). Visit Sue. 35 + Dumplings at bar.	7				elevated	Anxiety in movie - but focus on body turned it around. Ok in evening.
12-Sep	Email to Ally. Park. Blood taken and buy lube. Dating seminar.	6.5					Cry at park. Good until dating seminar. Then swallowing and severe agitation.
13-Sep	Neri for lunch. Shopping. Tennis lesson.	6.5					Agitated after Neri. Excited re my tennis - side on and swing over shoulder.
14-Sep	Hike at Royal National Park with Meet Up	6				agitation	Very intense agitation after coffee - never ever again.
15-Sep	Geraldine group in Blue Mountains.	6					Very judgemental today. Agitation in evening pretty strong. Some good cries.
16-Sep	Blue Jasmine at cinema with meet up. Then dinner.	10				strong	Amazing all day - because of pill.
17-Sep	Visited Jilly. Nic group to discuss attachment.	6					Pretty good till 3 pm. Agitated at Nic after forgetting i-phone.
18-Sep	Played tennis doubles. Watched Perks of Being a Wallflower.	7					Strong until tennis at 7 pm. Then intense agitation and irritation.
19-Sep	Went for great swim. Fetched Mack & had pizza.	4				agitation	Intense, intense agitation all afternoon. Cried deeply to music.
20-Sep	Tennis with Brendan (1 set all) Visit Jilly. Dinner with Chris.	4				agitation	Anxious in tennis. Feeling terrible after tennis. Great cry, then able to work 2 hours. Agitated at Jilly's and after.
21-Sep	Hike in Hawkesbury with Meet Up. Met Chrisel. Pub after.	7					Pretty good, little agitation.
22-Sep	Hike in Hawkesbury (ferry) with Meet Up. Pub. Watch The Place Beyond The Pines.	7					Really good. No agitation whole day. Alcohol helps?
23-Sep	Sleep 30 mins. Watch Hitchcock.	9				absorbed	Fantastic. Very little agitation. Feeling good re camera club presentation.
24-Sep	Park with Mack. Spirituality with Nic group. Watched Trance.	7					Agitation later. Cried to music.
25-Sep	Walked to Glebe from Pyrmont with Meet Up. Dinner at pub.	9					Great! Really well. Some sadness but almost pleasant.
26-Sep	Went to visit Jilly.	8				strong	Great - full of ideas. Challenges exciting, and my ability to commit. Crying later in day.
27-Sep	Walk with Neri. Watched Stories They Tell at Meet Up. Meal out.	6.5				emotional	Very emotional today, lots of crying. Agitation after Neri and movie. cry
28-Sep	Camping to Southern Highlands with Meet Up. Hike. Gave Juni a lift.	7.5					No agitation! Spirituality reawakening. Shy and quiet in group. Meditation by river.
29-Sep	Camping weekend away. Tulips festival. Hike in town.	7				depressed	Beautiful natural beauty and spirituality in morning. Email from Dani - pain emerged and embraced. Cried. Depressed before bed.
30-Sep	Shopping. Finances collected.	3.5				depressed	Really depressed and agitated later in day, due to Dani email. Very tough. Raw, hot. Cried hard to music in morning.
1-Oct	Joined Sue & Michael and friends for lunch at Oaks (restaurant). Slept. Got movies. Watched some October Sky.	6					Much better today. Acute pain tends to dissapate once expressed. Intense pain after lunch with Sue - big cry disipated it.
2-Oct	Fetched Jilly from hospital. Finished movie.	7					Better. Good cries.
3-Oct	Camera club presentation all day.	10				excited	Amazing on double pill, excited re presentation.
4-Oct	Camera club presentation. Issue with Helen and assault. Nervous, but manageable. Presentation goes beautifully.	8				elated	Great, exhilerated re presentation
5-Oct	Drive to Jerivs Bay - weekend away with Meet Up. Reflect on beach. Group gets drunk and noisy.	6.5				insecure	Great earlier, especially at beach. Uncomfortable in group. Strong need to impress - so, so strong. Anxious.
6-Oct	Swim in the sea with group. Botanical gardens and Cave beach - great photography.	7					Ok during day. Pill not lasting long though. Better that night - no agitation.
7-Oct	Point Perpendicular with group. Lunch. Drive home with Rana.	7.5					Good day today. Felt better in group. No agitation.
8-Oct	IGA with Helen. Help Jilly with tap. Nic group for spirituality.	8				strong	Great, almost no agitation despite lots of people contact. Frustrated at Jilly's.
9-Oct	To Paddy's Market with Helen. Hike from city to Bondi. Great connection with Hugh.	7					Pretty good most of day. Little agitated after Paddy's.
10-Oct	Swimming with Helen. Dive bombed with kids. Watched The Way. Very, very hot day.	7				melancholy	Sadness is back. Maybe Helen reminding me of Dani? Thinking of her again.
11-Oct	Took Jilly to doctor and hospital. Watched The Way and Miracle Worker.	5.5				melancholy	Irritated with Jilly. Deeply sad at times, deep crying. Tough day.
12-Oct	Missed hiking due to train works. Watched Gravity.	5.5				melancholy	Lot of sadness, spoiled movie a bit.
13-Oct	Pathways to Intimacy workshop. Drinking and spiffing with Helen until 3 am.	8					Great today, but took extra 4 pills.
14-Oct	Breakfast with Helen. Cosgrove. Watched The Words.	9				elated	Very strong today, almost euphoric. Helen?
15-Oct	Thank you letters to Abe & Denise. Email to Kerri. Dinner with Roger.	7.5					Pretty good with pills spread. Little agitated with Roger with sex talk. Appreciation.
16-Oct	Looked at bank account. Walked to Bondi.	7				melancholy	Very good earlier. 4 pm feel sad, listen to music - Tsunami of grief. Perhaps not good. Dani brought up.
17-Oct	Swam at pool. Dinner with Andreas at Bavarian Beer Café restaurant.	8					Really, really good. Pill spread out. Some sadness, but no agitation.
18-Oct	Sleep 30 mins. Swim. Shopping. Cooking.	7.5					Great most of day. Feel sad around 7 pm
19-Oct	Hike Chatswood to East Park with Meet Up. Visit Jilly in hospital. Watched BreakPoint.	8				strong	Pretty amazing most of day, especially late. 9.30 pm and no agitation at all - could work forever. Deep peace.
20-Oct	Swim. Helen for drinks, Carl pitched!	9				elated	Fantastic. No agitation or sadness. On top of the world.
21-Oct	Swim. Intimacy Group with Abe. Reflect on impressing.	8					Fantastic whole day. Feeling so well. Bit agitated during and after Intimacy because of stiltedness.
22-Oct	Swim. Walking. Nic group	10				spiritual high	Amazing. Deep cry on walk. Wonder. Joy. Little agitation at Nic's. Connection to Essence feels really strong.
23-Oct	Swim. Walks around park. Watched Mud.	7.5					Pretty good, but sadness is back a bit. Agitated at 6 pm, took a 7th pill and became hugely productive.
24-Oct	Did 2013 tax. To Sue for dinner. Created Russia Collage.	7					Struggled later in day. Really needed staggered pills. Agitated at Sue.
25-Oct	Tennis wih Brendan. (lost both)	8					Anxious and frustrated in tennis. Agitated early but got very motivated and positive in work as day went on.
26-Oct	Andreas Octoberfest party	7				stilted	Got agitated at party. Conscious of girls and impressing. Didn't say goodbye to girl I sat with.
27-Oct	Month view on Excel dairy. To Cecil's 90th birthday picnic with Chris. To Brendan and Eva for dinner. Blogged photos. Watched The Secret in Their Eyes	9					Great most of day, staggered pill is the bomb. Bit agitated after party, blown away by a pill. Worked late into night.
28-Oct	Swim. Lots of work.	8					Very good. No sex or Dani obsession. Really into work.
29-Oct	Worked long hours, especially on humour. Watched porn.	7.5				hyper	Good, motivated, little agitation, but quite hyper and unrelaxed.
30-Oct	Coffee with Liza.	9				strong	Mostly absolutely amazing. Times when some agitation at work, persist and cleared right away. Some sadness early in day.
31-Oct	SA decision. Lots of work on excel dairy. Expenses over.	9				motivated	Working so strongly. Feeling great. Bit of sadness early on.
1-Nov	Played tennis with Brendan (4-6, 6-2) Watched caning porn.	8					Good. Porn made me feel v. agitated after. Staggered pill the bomb. Tennis much more relaxed on Xanax - miracle drug, not tired on it.
2-Nov	Alex and Sue wedding. Photograph zombies in city. Photography.	7.5				elevated	Anxious re photos. Need to impress Stephanie. Agitated at party.
3-Nov	Edited Sue and Alex's wedding photos. Cleaned room and bannister. Went to jazz in park and sat with Katrin & Charles.	7				agitation	Great early. Quite agitated at times later. Swallowing pissing me off a lot.
4-Nov	2 walks. Got quote from Flight Centre.	7				melancholy	Difficult day. Deep melancholy going through past years, especially photos of Dani. Deep crying on walks. Agitation later in day, blown away by single pill. cry.
5-Nov	Walked 3 x. Took Jilly to doctor. Eckhart.	5				depressed	Medium depression lot of day. Sadness, melancholy. Pill gave me intermittent gaps. Due to dredging up past pains?
6-Nov	Went to Sculptures by the Sea with Sue for photography. Porned x 3.	5.5				depressed	Came home and cried and cried on walk. Meditated, but felt really depressed (deep sadness to the core) just after. cry
7-Nov	Walks. Thai takeaway. Watched The Hunt.	8				strong	Pretty good. Invincible later in day after struggling to work a bit in middle of day. Back into AOL.
8-Nov	Picked Sue up from hospital.	8.5				strong	Very little pain today. Feeling very strong. Loving AOL and environment. Great walk.
9-Nov	Hike in Hawkesbury with Meet Up. Hot day, jump off rock into water.	8				alive	I felt good. Meditated on train. Early on hike, conversation was effortless. Fixated on sex memories later on hike, but back to stillness. Agitated at home, meditation really helped. Great work later.
10-Nov	Went to Geraldine in The Blue Mountains. Spirit group.	8				spiritual high	Amazing meditation in car both ways, sublime on way home. Deep spiritual crying. cry
11-Nov	Cleaned out room - minimalism, uncluttered. Intimacy Group.	7.5					Cleaning out room made me feel very sad re Dani. Short intense cry. Pretty good most of the day. Excited re Eckhart on AOL.
12-Nov	Walked. Went to Nic group.	9.5				spiritual high	Awesome all day. Deep, deep spiritual cry on walk where thought ceased. Up and out and free of thought - wow! cry
13-Nov	Walks in stillness.	9				spiritual high	Some deep release of pain. Some joy. Some joviality. No suffering. Beautiful. Spiritual cry.
14-Nov	Lunch with Neri at restaurant. Drinks with Helen.	7.5					Great earlier in day. Tension built up with Neri and especially Helen.
15-Nov	Played tennis with Brendan - just hitting. Walk.	7.5					Much tougher day outside the pill. Mind is back and spiritual connection much, much less. Agitated and blocked. A lot of internal irritation. cry.
16-Nov	Walked. Went to dinner Brendan and Eva's dinner party. Took photos.	6.5				insecure	Intense, intense irritation with the mind and generally. Gentle cry. Uncomfortable at dinner party with guys - felt out of my league. Anxious taking photos. Jealous of pretty girl.
17-Nov	Photos for Eva.	2				horrible	Horrible anxiety and very low confidence because of photos for Eva.
18-Nov	Went to watch Captain Philips at cinema	7				agitation	Very difficult earlier in morning. Agitation strong. Good cry in meditation. Felt much better rest of day. Great stillness in movie (thank you mind) and huge emotional release.
19-Nov	Went to Jilly's for Eckhart.	6				depressed	Tough day, kind of struggling with depression. Very tired, needing to sleep a lot. Agitation and listlissness.
20-Nov	Took Jilly to get computer.	7.5					Much better today. Good meditation - a good cry made me feel better.
21-Nov	Worked whole day. Responded to message from Ana saying Eckhart's a creep.	7					Pretty good. Some agitation, but very strong when working, Frustration I lost some quotes - had to redo.
22-Nov	Worked, worked, worked.	7					Very good when worked, especially later. Obsessions re sex.
23-Nov	Geraldine. Spirit group. Helped Jilly with comp.	8					Engaged connected. Hopeful. Some pain after Geraldine, soon gone.
24-Nov	Hike from city to Watson's Bay with Meet Up. Lovely swim and connections.	9					Wonderful today! Great walk. Almost no agitation, even at 5 pm with only 4 pills.
25-Nov	Email to Matt. Photo for Geraldine. Shopping. Hunger Games 2.	7				melancholy	In between pill, some very intense sadness and cry. A big cry before shopping, but felt good. Pain later, pre + post movie.
26-Nov	To Dr for Xanax. Cooked mince. Adja at Jilly's.	7.5					Really good today. Very little pain. Active mind on walk.
27-Nov	Went to Nic group - intention & consciousness map.	7				emotional	Loving acceptance of pain, leading to great release (cry). Felt so beautiful. Intense agitation later, especially at Nic, but accepting. Dissipated quite a bit later.
28-Nov	Quotes for Greenslip. Watched Disconnect.	7				agitation	Felt very strongly agitated today when pill wore off (quite quickly.) Listened to music (including "There's so much Magnificence.") Huge, deep emotional outpouring (cry) left me feeling deeply peaceful and spiritually connected.
29-Nov	Walking. Watch Reds	7.5					Very little pain today, much much easier. A long, good cry while walking.
30-Nov	Went hiking but trackworks. Went to Helen for Thai + drinks.	7				irritated	Agitated at times, and pill didn't knock it away as much. A little fed up with it. Good cry to music. Very tired due to Zyprexa?
1-Dec	Lots of walking. IGA with Helen, then chat.	8.5				connected	Felt great. Little agitation. Deep cry to music (refound) and on walks. Feel deeply spiritually connected. Felt relaxed with Helen.
2-Dec	Dr Cosgrove. Went to Sue for dinner and to do photos. Cosgrove gave me dex prescription 20 days. Blogging till very late (incl wedding photos).	9				calm	No agitation at all. A cry to music, not strong. Felt calm and connected., even until very late at night. Felt spacious for Sue and patient. Oh to feel like this always!
3-Dec	Jilly's to help with computer, soup and Eckhart.	9.5				elated	Feeling rampant and unstoppable most of day. Only took 5 pills. Almost no agitation at all. Excited, confident, hopeful. Connected at Jilly's. Great cry during meditation.
4-Dec	Went to Nic group (intentions)	8				motivated	Motivated and excited re AOL. Some agitation after no pill, after walk and at Nic's. Fine though.
5-Dec	Neri to take cat to vet, lunch	7					Lovely, relaxed start to day with meditation. Did some Dani reflecting - led to agitation after Neri, big cry to music, struggled rest of day.
6-Dec	Car in for Greenslip. Tennis with Brendan (4-6). Shopping. Prepare for hike.	6.5				elevated	Topsy turvy with car. Stressed with Brendan because forgot about car. Xanax for tennis made me tired rest of day. Agitation. Big cry to music.
7-Dec	Decided not to go hiking. Helen for dinner and drinks with Leon.	7				sexy	Agitated earlier in day, but lasted well into night on 6 pills/
8-Dec	Worked. Watch Warm Bodies.	8				smitten	Great in morning. A deep cry to music. Very little agitation. Tired later in day. Then feel very strong until 10 pm. Excited re Helen. Oh dear.
9-Dec	Worked. Nice midday sleep.	8				motivated	Great all day. Not flying earlier, but really picked up momentum. Little agitation. cry to music but not strong.
10-Dec	2013 in review. Year view and photos on blog. To Jilly for Eckhart	8				nostalgic	Great day - reminiscent, nostalgic, celebration of a painful but very special year. Deep cry to music. Little agitation until late.
11-Dec	Went to Nic group	9				elated	Amazing day. Excited and engaged with wisdom trove, flying along. Feeling so much better re Dani, like a weight lifted. Lovely walk. Agitation almost non existent.
12-Dec	Worked mostly on "people" in excel. Hugh came over and went for lovely walk and swim.	10				spiritual high	Great day, flew on 4 pills (6 hours). Huge, huge cry to music feeling such love for God. Agitation after Hugh, 1 pill blew it away. Before bed, HUGE spiritual love and release left me so certain that my spiritual path is all that matters.
13-Dec	Camera club dinner. Won award.	8				excited	Excited and engaged with Wisdom Trove. Some sadness and cry to music. Feeling love and connected.
14-Dec	Huge day of incorporating "Treasure Excel" and doing My Bible.	9				elated	Super, super motivated and excited re work and this excel thing I've created. Lots of cry to music.
15-Dec	Went to visit Niki at yacht club. Saw yacht.	9.5				elated	So, so good. So GREAT. Relaxed with Nicola and John. Excited and flying with AOL. So blessed. Great, deep cry to music - so beautiful. Feel superb till 1 am!
16-Dec	Long hours, working on moments.	8	10	Spiritual love (music & walk)		spiritual high	Very deep cry to Sarah Brightman. Beautiful spiritual cry on walk with nature so crisp. Flying at work.
17-Dec	Woke late (11 am) Went to Jilly for Eckhart.	8	10	Spiritual love (music)		spiritual high	Good day. Woke up feeling great!!! Beautiful cries to music, feeling such deep love. Feel spiritually so, so connected.
18-Dec	Lots and lots of work on Excel moments. Bit of a sleep.	8.5	7			motivated	Very motivated. Very little pain. Good cry to music. Spiritual cry on walk to shop.
19-Dec	Lots work on excel moments.	8.5	8			motivated	Feeling like I did at Xmas - deeply good, until very late. Then worried that Excel moments been a waste.
20-Dec	Chatted to Niki for many hours. Space for her. Disaster with Helen's light. Space for her anger and pain. Dinner and dancing with Meet up. Great chat with mum, told her she was great mum.	8	5			alive	Felt deep connection with many, felt loving. Loving space with Niki till later when agitated and swallowing issue. On a high at party, felt smooth and flowing and easy, pill helped. No meditation today at all. Took 12 pills tho.
21-Dec	Woke late. Worked most of day.	8.5	7			spiritual high	Motivated. Deep love and crying on walk and to mucic. Great stillness over bay.
22-Dec	Worked. Worked. Sleep.	7	6			agitation	Quite a bit of agitation today and the emotion didn't flow as easily, although I did unblock quite a bit at times, especially at end of day.
23-Dec	Helped Jilly with computer and took photos. Took bills to Medicare.	7.5	6			motivated	Motivated with AOL. Use of 1 pill three times worked really well. Lovely connections with Jilly. Little bit of cry to music, but not much.
24-Dec	Took car in for wheels. Chatted to Roger. Shopped for potato bake.	7.5	7			depressed	Very tough start (depressed) because of masturbation last night. But improved a lot, and felt quite strong rest of day.
25-Dec	Xmas with Eva and Brendan	7	3			flustered	Pretty good, stressed to get there late and potato bake late, otherwise good. Not present, lots of talk re sex.
26-Dec	Watson's bay with Nicola, show my presentation, dinner at Thai.	7.5	5			strong	Tired early, and shitty first thing, but really enjoyed rest of day
27-Dec	Walk with Nicola (she overnighted.) Take her to aunt.	6.5	3			obsessive	Difficult day. Sex obsessions. Grief re Dani. Intense irritation with mind. Agitation. Especially late. Early on, love for God. Very gone by end of day. Drained from Nicola.
28-Dec	Worked a lot. Decided to goto Koziosko.	6.5	6			irritated	At times, deeply irritated and agitated. Grief re dani + Hawaii obsessions. Hard to cry. Difficult in morning. Really flew in afternoon and evening though.
29-Dec	Took pan back to Eva. The Hobbit at cinema with Karin. Thai dinner. Restaurant: Papaya	7	5			agitation	Struggled at work to start. Agitated quickly. Pill helped later in day.
30-Dec	Worked. Walked.	7.5	6			spiritual high	Good day of working, little agitation. Amazing cry and love to El Divo. Lovely walk, feeling good.
31-Dec	Shopping. Helen for new year's eve. Snacks and vodka. Fireworks.	7	5			irritated	Good, but a lot of pills. Danger! Helen very negative at times - got to stop choosing her over positive people. Screamed in car, feeling so irritated. Good release.

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